Speeding

[Mooseman]

A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman. "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"Yes, madam, you were speeding."
"Really?"
"May I see your licence please?"
"I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"Don't have one?"
"Nope. Lost it after drunk driving four times."
" I see...May I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"Nope. Can't do that either."
"Why not?"
"Well ... I stole this car."
"Stole it?"
"Yes, after I killed and dismembered the owner."
"You what?"
"Lost my temper. It was messy. His body is in a pile of plastic bags in the
boot if you want to see."
The policeman looks at the woman for a second, then backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes there are more police cars circling them. A
police sergeant approaches the car, gripping his half drawn gun. He clears his throat, then calls to her, "Madam, please step out of and away from your
vehicle please."
She does so. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the
owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
"Yes. Could you open the boot of your car please?"
She does, and they both look down into a dusty, empty space.
"Is this your car, madam?"
"Yes. Here are the registration papers."
The Sergeant scans through them, and sees that they are in order. "My officer claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The woman rummages through her bag, then hands her licence to the puzzled
Sergeant.
"Ma'am, my officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and dismembered the owner."
"I'll bet the lying b*st**d told you I was speeding, too!!"

quality

[Mooseman]

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have s*x with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he says.

"That's amazing" she says, "so am I" "- what street?", "Cameo Street" he says." "This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.

"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!

[Andyvalver]

pmsl

[Gav]

lmao

[TriO`]

lmao at the first one, should have pulled that one out

[Mooseman]

Muchos repect if anyone had the hairy coconuts to pull that one off

[Jan]

Oh yes - you gotta love the aussie's :D

[Mooseman]

Oi you!! Back to work!!

[Jan]

Oi you!! Back to the pub!!

Okey dokey - see you there

[Mattie]

heard them both b4 but there clasics!!! :D