Some jokes for you lovely people

[16v_paddy]

A gynaecologist had become burned out, and was getting fed up with the costs of malpractice insurance and all the Medicare paperwork he had to do.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

However, when the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, 'I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

'The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.

After a pause, the instructor added, 'I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career.'


An African woman was due to give birth to twins, but due to some serious complication or drug mis-management, slipped into a coma....a few weeks went by and she slowly regained consciousness... almost without thinking she looked down, the 'bump' had gone and she started to well up...The doctor was called and he explained the coma and that both babies had been delivered successfully, and they were both doing fine, he instructed a nurse to fetch them.
"How long have I been out doctor?"
"Just under 3 weeks....your childrena are fine, one boy one girl...your brother has been here regularly to see them, infact he's named them..."
She considered this and was concerned, her brother was a bit of nob...
"He's named you daughter Denise"
Hmm thats not half bad she thought, a small smile appeared on her face...
"...and my son?"
"He's called denephew...."

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He
looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this
with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke
everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses
downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
because I'm only going to say once....




'I HAVEN'T MADE THE ****ING PORRIDGE YET!!!


Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 known Islamic terrorists.......

Bin Muggin,

Bin Thievin

and Bin Dealin.....

There was no sign of Bin Workin....

The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Glasgow .

The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Govan and Possilpark areas of Glasgow were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for: At the first practice session, the Govan & Possilpark pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of WKD Irn Bru, a kilo of coke and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.


jade goody and patrick swayze are appearing in pantomime this christmas.....

....oh no there not!!


A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks...
"Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?"
"Yes" replies the cop.
He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?"
"No" replies the cop.
"Well then," says the man, "I think you're a cunt!"


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "hello". He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Man gets home from the pub late and very drunk.

Wife says, "OK smart arse explain the lipstick on your collar?"

Man replys, "Easy, I used it to wipe my cock"

[col]

Nice one Paddy, im still wipin the tears away!

[Justin..]

pmsl @ last one!!

[LEIGH-ANNE]

Half my fone memory is of ur jokes lee

[16v_paddy]

That's why I've started filling ur PM inbox was very very bored last night :P

[16v_paddy]

I've got to share this one as I really did LOL!

A Cork radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: 96FM here, what's your name?

Caller: Hi my names's Dave

DJ: Dave, what's your word?

Caller: Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronunced GO-AN

DJ: You are correct Dave 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense.

Caller: Goan f**k yourself

The DJ cust the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi the name is Jeff

DJ: Jeff, what's your word?

Caller: Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'.

DJ: ... You are correct, Jeff 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that makes sense?

Caller: Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!

[LEIGH-ANNE]

Useless info but there is a curry called a 'goan' lol


Pad - yea thanks a bunch lol

[16v_paddy]

Always a pleasure