anyone got any good jokes?

feeling crap today..after all the excitement at the start of the week its been pretty much downhill in terms of the mood i'm in :( took me all of 1 hour to fix that bearing that let go, adjusted the passenger mirror and thats about it for keeping me busy. maybe i should find a new project to work on?

did you's here the one about the guy who went to the doctor with a carrot stuck up his nose?
Doctor says " i knows whats wrong with you...your not eating properly"! badaboom :)

Anyways got a bottle of wine and gonna get drunk with that this eve.

F1 going to sky,now thats a ****ing joke

As above!

"Was out walking with the wife this morning. She suddenly stopped and removed her shoe complaing about a stone in it. I replied 'theres about 20 stone in the other so keep ****ing walking"

:lol:

dunno whether to laugh or cry at that Snowman. Last time I watched some proper coverage of F1 was when it was airing on EuroSport back in the day. They used to show every session including morning warm ups.
Now its press this button press that button on your remote and we'll screw you for tenner each time :lol:

LA proper lads joke that one, had me in tears laughing. :)

what E.T. short for?














...coz hes only got lil legs. :)

Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?

Because he's a cunt

I just roll a joint when I'm in the bad mood :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Markic

I just roll a joint when I'm in the bad mood :D

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:lol:

When you say the word 'poop', your mouth does the same motion as your arse hole.

Same can be said for the phrase, 'explosive diarrhoea'.

what goes in dry, comes out wet, and always leaves you satisfied?

a teabag of course!

My uncle Bob was a crap ventriloquist,he'd stick his fingers up my bum then tell me not to say anything.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by snowman

My uncle Bob was a crap ventriloquist,he'd stick his fingers up my bum then tell me not to say anything.

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haha like that one.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by snowman

My uncle Bob was a crap ventriloquist,he'd stick his fingers up my bum then tell me not to say anything.

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Took an hour to sink in but PMSL :lol:

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
race....................
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the
bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. 'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:





'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the ****ing
bricks.'

An 86-year-old very wealthy man went to visit his doctor.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said 'Things are great and
I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is
pregnant with my child..

'So what do
you think about that Doc?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally
picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his
favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'

'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked
the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,
'Logic would strongly suggest that
somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that
beaver.'

The doctor replied, 'My point exactly'

A couple had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the
lights.
After 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit so one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard!!" She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids.."

What do you call the boss of a maternity clothes-making company, who also volunteers as a part-time forest firefighter?
Motherfrocking ash-hoer

Husband comes back from the golf club one day, walks through the front door, up the stairs and in to the bedroom. His wife is naked and standing in front of the mirror. She turns to him and says... 'look at me, I'm fat and I'm old, pay me a complement.' He replies... 'your eye site is spot on!'

My wife left me last week, said she was going out for milk and never came back.
Bugger, how are you coping?
Not bad, I’ve been using that powdered stuff.


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments and softly asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

aahh.. I know that feeling.. here you go!

Heres one for you

Ive been trying to buy a Renault Clio Williams since 1993, you know, one of the ones with the numbered plaque....